Right now, I’m sitting in the windowsill in my dorm room alone in the darkness. The window is open and the muffled sound of the concert in the Vine’s center right outside our room pours in with a mix of traffic on the highway across the street. I don’t know what it is about moments like these, but to me they are beautiful and serene. I can feel the oddly, warm October breeze come in and it reminds me of God’s steadfastness. It reminds me that in the midst of chaos, I can always find God in the still, small moments when the breeze blows across my face and all is calm.
These past few weeks have been anything but calm, and I have found myself craving more of my Father’s presence. Just to catch you up on my life for a minute, I was sick for the past three weeks, and last week, I finally got diagnosed with mono. Thankfully, I was able to find time to rest and kept myself healthy, so I’m already almost completely back to normal and was blessed with a mild case of it compared to many I have heard about. I had been napping quite often and struggling to keep my eyes open doing homework sometimes, and had to say no to fun events a few times just because I was too tired to go. However, it is in those many nights I have been spending in my dorm room doing homework with Grace that I have realized how much I need God.
Even in the midst of being at the largest Christian University in the world, it takes a lot of work to truly stay close to Abba. I have seen myself straying when it comes to praying consistently and have not been digging into his word as fervently as I did over the summer. This past week, I really realized how much I need to put into my relationship with Him to keep it going. It’s just like any other friendship. He’s already there, constantly pursuing me, but I have to pursue him back if I want it to be a mutual relationship. He’s already speaking to me, but I have to listen if I actually want to hear his voice. He’s already taken each step in front of me, but I have to keep my eyes focused on him if I am to follow in his will.
God does not change. We do.
This college transition has overall been smooth, but it’s nevertheless my first big life transition, and along with any transition comes A LOT of change. A sophomore friend today asked me how I had changed already this year, and I said I didn’t really know yet, just because it’s hard to see in the midst of change what is actually going on. However, looking back into past months and years, it is so easy to see the hand of God changing and shaping me into the person he wants me to be and I can’t wait to look back on this semester and see what he has done.
It’s been hard being in the midst of changes that I am not even aware are happening and trying to keep my relationship with God the same when homework eats your day away and fun events are happening everywhere. But it’s doable and it’s a step-by-step journey and the most beautiful one I will ever go on.
This post just feels like a pile of messy, jumbled thoughts right now, but that’s okay because life is messy. It’s not usually in a structured, perfectly edited format but in a crazy narrative of twists and turns and laughs and tears, and that’s the best way to live it in my opinion.